William Holden: Email from July 3, 2010

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Email from July 3, 2010

Today went very well. Perhaps I sugar-coated yesterday's email a bit. It was a very difficult day yesterday. Will's first night of Chemo was very stressful for him, but he didn't want to tell his dad who stayed with him that night. He is such a sweet boy and was trying to be thoughtful. Chris lay awake most of the night trying to listen for him and make sure he was awake if Will needed him. Lynsey and I spent the night at the Family House, talking, crying, praying for Will and reading the scriptures together. Part of the scripture was from Moroni chapter 7. This is how it reads:

27 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?
28 For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.
29 And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.
30 For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness.

What a great scripture for this situation. I have watched continual miracles happen to get us where we are now. More on that later. Yesterday we also talked to Sam... sorry if I am repeating myself. It was so difficult. He was devastated. We cried a lot yesterday. Please remember Sam in your prayers and fasting too. It was a sweet experience for me to go back to the Family House last night after a tough day and read this scripture:

18 And it came to pass that when Jesus had made an end of praying unto the Father, he arose; but so great was the joy of the multitude that they were overcome.
19 And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.
20 And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.
21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
22 And when he had done this he wept again;
23 And he spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: Behold your little ones.
24 And as they looked to behold they cast their eyes towards heaven, and they saw the heavens open, and they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; and they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them.

Today Grandma and Grandpa brought the kids down to visit. It was so great to see them after a long week. They miss their brother and family. Right now is a time for us to stretch and grow in ways that are hard and uncomfortable, but there is no other way and we must learn to have faith and know that God, our Father is in charge and will bless our lives as we struggle through these trials. It is not our loving Father's plan to ignore and cause pain, but to comfort and console through His Son when we are in need of strength and wisdom. Why does it have to be so hard. Tonight I was texting Katie and told her it is like taffy. It must be stretched and pulled twisted and then stretched and pulled and twisted again until it is smooth and silky. Without all the effort it is just a sticky soft mess. These trials are made to pull us all together and make our lives sweet. Will said the other night that he was grateful for the trial because without knowing sickness, how can he truly appreciate his health. Wisdom beyond his years. I am so proud of him and his patience in this trial. The kids are having a hard time dealing with this too. They aren't quite sure what to think and are struggling to understand. They are trying hard to maintain a happy existence, but it is stressful on them. In the end we hope this experience will bring us closer as a family and more grateful for the amazing blessings we have in our lives.

1 comment:

CindiSeptember 3, 2010 at 8:29 AM
Praying for continued miracles! I adore you guys!
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Will's Story

We have to preface this story by giving you background about our family and our beliefs. It will help you to understand a little better where we are coming from. We believe that the same priesthood that Jesus Christ used in performing the miracles in the Bible has been restored to the Earth. We believe in laying on of hands for the healing of the sick, just as was done in the time of Christ. We also believe in personal revelation, that every person has the right and privilege of speaking with God through solemn prayer and has the right to receive personal inspiration and direction to help them in their lives and in their children’s lives. We believe that God speaks to his children and is keenly aware of their needs and blesses each accordingly. This being said, we would like to share our story with you.

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In retrospect, there were so many signs of William’s illness, but we suppose that is always the case. From the “asthma” half-way through the lacrosse season to the cough that didn’t go away over the course of the last 4 or 5 months, but who would ever assume that their child had cancer.

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Will’s dad became unemployed the end of December. Although at the time it was difficult, we felt sure that all was well. Looking back it was one of our miracles. Without insurance we felt somewhat vulnerable, but also felt certain that if we were faced with a medical emergency we would most certainly qualify for Medi-Cal. Otherwise we would pay out of pocket for incidental office visits. Even with our Kaiser insurance we were very reticent to go to the doctor because of the high co-pay and the fact that we usually were sent home to wait it out. Thus was our experience with doctors and insurance. The progression of Will’s illness over the months was somewhat worrisome, but never alarming. He complained of self diagnosed asthma, he had a cough that just wouldn’t quite clear up and had a couple of lacrosse injuries. He came to us at one point near the end of the lacrosse season and showed us that his chest was larger on one side than the other. We had never noticed that before. In jest we told him he was just deformed. Looking back there were so very many signs. At the time, however, none of them were so extreme as to raise a red flag. Father’s Day, June 20^th, Will came to us and showed us a huge lump in his neck. It was literally a couple inches in diameter. Assuming that there was some problem with his lymph glands, which as a child were very prominent, we made a mental note to get down to the Medi-Cal office and start the ball rolling so we could get him in to be seen. On Monday, Will asked his dad for a Priesthood blessing. As we later found out, Will knew he was sicker than we suspected. In the blessing he was given, Chris verbalized the need for Will to seek medical attention and modern medicine 3 times. He also told him that after much fasting and prayer and faith and with great patience he would in the end be healed. Even with all that was going on, we were not able to get an appointment with Medi-Cal until the following Tuesday. We were able to fill out some of the paper work during this first week, but didn’t have the option of talking to a worker until that following Tuesday. With the understanding that he needed to get into the doctor, it still didn’t quite sink in that there was some remote possibility that it was something so serious.

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Tuesday was spent helping Will get his Eagle Scout paperwork together so he could turn it in before his 18^th birthday, which was the next day. There were a few things after his meeting that night that needed to be done, so Wednesday, his 18^th birthday, was spent putting them together. We were also working on tying up loose ends on the summer lacrosse program which began that night. It was such a hectic week. Honestly we didn’t really feel a sense of urgency until the following Sunday night when he told us he was having chest pains. He had been resting/sleeping all day. Now we were very worried. We talked about going in to the ER, but he wasn’t interested and just asked us to make a doctor’s appointment for the next day. We later found out that the chest pain had been there all month and that he had, in fact, gone into an urgent care type facility without telling us because he didn’t want to worry us. After telling him that they couldn’t help him because of his age he insisted he was having a heart attack because of the severe pain in his chest and numbness in his left arm. They sent someone out to listen to his heart and take his blood pressure and talk with him. They assured him he was not having a heart attack. We later called to ask for records from this visit and to question them about their lack of parental notification, but the office claims they have no evidence of the visit.

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While Will was at work on Monday and Chris was studying for the Bar, Vicky spent the morning and afternoon trying to get a doctor appointment. Several of the doctors from the booklet were called. Everyone said the same thing, “No new Medi-Cal patients.” When we asked if we could get an appointment if we paid cash, we were told they only see patients who have insurance. It was at this point that we decided to take Will to the ER as soon as he was off work. They had to see him there. They did a plethora of testing; blood work, chest x-ray, CT scan and an EKG to name a few. The PA walked in to do a physical exam and as he put his fingers on Will’s neck, without meaning to, the whole story was told in his expression. (We talked to the PA this past Tuesday upon a return visit to the ER and he told us that had been one of his worst nights, having to tell an otherwise very healthy young man that he suspected lymphoma.) Because of our lack of medical insurance we were told the only way an oncologist would see him quickly was if Will was admitted to the hospital. On Tuesday when we saw the oncologist we were told that they wanted to transfer Will to either Stanford Med Center or UCSF Med Center. They obviously saw more than they wanted to tell us. We feel it was a great miracle that on Wednesday they were able to get the thumbs up for UCSF. Somehow and somewhat we were able to keep our wits about us. Chris rode down in the ambulance with Will and Vicky went back to the house to prepare and pack for who knew how long. We felt we would be there for a while. Grandma and Grandpa had been in town that morning to work at the temple and were with us when they took Will in the ambulance. It was really one small miracle after the next and the fact that they were there happened to be one of them. They would stay with the other three kids for as long as we needed them. Vicky left just after noon for UCSF Med Center with Will’s girlfriend, Lynsey.

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By the time Vicky and Lynsey arrived, UCSF had run their own tests and labs and needle biopsy in addition to those already done in Folsom. It was an exhausting day. By 10:30 PM things finally calmed down enough to figure out where Vicky and Lynsey were going to stay for the night. Chris was going to stay in the chair bed at Will’s side. We called several hotels close by, but they were either too expensive or in a bad part of town. Chris finally mentioned that we should call the Oakland Temple. They have off site housing available for ordinance workers who travel great distances. When we called they were so understanding and kind. They told us that they don’t usually do this, but that we were welcome for as long as we needed a place. We were now placing ourselves in the hands of the Lord. We felt safe and watched over.

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On Wednesday Will had an occasional, but persistent cough. By Thursday morning he had a relentless cough. Looking back it is actually quite frightening that we were able to see such a swift progression. Wednesday we had started our day fasting and praying for Will. We didn’t break our fast until dinner. Thursday was no different. It was filled with more fasting, prayer and testing. By mid day they were sure they knew what they were dealing with. Although the needle biopsy they did on his neck the previous day was ineffective, the spring-loaded, fat needled biopsy they did on Thursday yielded the results they needed. Originally they had planned on doing an incisional biopsy, and bone marrow test, but putting him out for the procedure had proven too risky because of the location of the tumors. The whole body PET scan results were shown to us and it was explained that the tumors were wrapped around Will’s heart, lungs and trachea. It also revealed signs of edema around the heart and lungs from the constant pressure. On the PET scan Will’s entire chest cavity seemed to be lit up like a plate of armor. From just below his diaphragm up his chest and into his neck and then wrapping around the front and radiating a bit into his armpits he was full of tumors. The reason for the heart pains is obvious and the reason for his constant cough was due to the growing in size around his trachea all the way into his lungs. It is amazing to us that we were able to see the rapid progression of the cancer. They started him on Chemotherapy that night. Chris asked the question, “What if nothing had been done?” We were told that he would not have made it two days. It is so scary that we came so close to loosing him. People may ask, “Have miracles ceased in our day?” To that we reply, “Absolutely, unequivocally, no!” We have seen one miracle after another to preserve our sweet son’s life.

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Chemo was very hard on Will that first night. It was very painful and he was frightened for night to come again due to the agony he endured that first night. It was so difficult to sit at his bedside and watch him endure such a hard thing at such a tender age. We cried on and off all day. We were heartbroken but not distraught. We felt angels close by at all times, buoyed up by their vigilant care. The blows at every turn seemed somewhat deflected. We knew and know all will be well in the end. The diagnosis was stage 4B Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. The advanced stage 4 is due to the fact that it crossed over his diaphragm into his upper abdomen and the “B” indicates that the tumors are found in organs. In Will’s case they found 2 masses in his lungs. Even in the advanced stages of Hodgkin’s the cure rates are very high, 90-95%. In recurrence they are also extremely high. Even before we were armed with this information, we had felt sure that, in the end, after the pain and suffering, Will would be healed. We are grateful for that Priesthood blessing he had a week before we knew anything was wrong. We are certain that God does not lie. The blessing was given under the direction of the Spirit and we do not doubt that our loving Father in Heaven will honor His words to Will.

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Friday night’s chemo was hard, but not as difficult as Thursday night. As if our breaking hearts could stand more, we now had the difficult task of telling the news to Will’s brother, Sam, who is serving a full time mission for our church in Texas. The fact that your family calls you on your mission means that something is very wrong. Sam’s shock and disbelief quickly turned to sobbing and the need for reassurance that his brother would be okay. We told him everything we knew. We assured him that his brother would be okay in the end, and that the best thing he could do was to seek out a Priesthood blessing of comfort and work hard and seek the personal confirmation that only God can give that all would be well. Hanging up that phone was almost as difficult as watching Will that first morning after chemo. The rest of the day was filled with intermittent sobs followed by a sweet feeling of peace. Will was left very weak and nauseous and in quite a bit of pain and discomfort. The ravaging effects of the chemo on his body and the destructive effects of the tumors were difficult to watch, but we were relieved to physically see the change in the tumor as it softened and somewhat shrunk in size, even that very first day. His cough began to level out and his comfort level began to increase. Another miracle!

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Day one of Will’s treatment plan was Friday, July 2^nd. He was released from the hospital 12 days after first visiting the ER. There will be difficult times ahead. He will have 4-6 rounds of treatment which will more than likely be followed up by radiation therapy. Each round is scheduled to be about a month apart, but one thing we were warned about was to expect the unexpected. Because the chemotherapy not only kills the rapidly growing bad cells, but also the rapidly growing good cells, his white blood cell count will drop with each treatment for about a week to 10 days, thus causing his immune system the inability to fight off even the slightest illness or infection. Even a slight fever or cold could land him back in the hospital and can be life threatening. His platelet levels could drop drastically enough that he could need a platelet transfusion to keep him from bleeding to death and his hemoglobin, which carries oxygen to the body, could drop dangerously low and cause the need for a blood transfusion. His hair has fallen out, but that will grow back when the chemo is over. There will be respites from the other side effects of the treatments as well. His body, with the help of other drugs, will work hard to build back up the counts and he will have a week to 10 days with each round where he is feeling fairly good and can resume many of his normal activities. This will, however, be followed by another round of treatment as the goal is to kill all of the cancer cells so that he will have a lifetime to enjoy good health.

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It has been such a surreal experience for us. No one could possibly imagine this ever happening to their child and yet it is a lingering fear in the back of every parents head. We were told that only 8,000 cases of pediatric cancer are diagnosed in the US a year. We were surprised by the low number. We were also told to let other children know that cancer is not contagious. This is one of the most asked questions by children. This experience has been very difficult to be sure, but it has also been teacher and friend. We feel a deeper sense of appreciation for our Savior who suffered even for our pain so He would know how to comfort and console each of us in our grief. We have also learned that our Heavenly Father, God, is ever mindful of us. He is aware of us in every aspect of our lives and comforts us and provides for our every need. He has sent angels among us, both seen and unseen, to do His work; angels in the form of family and loved ones, friends and neighbors, doctors, nurses, hospital staff, as well as myriads of Heavenly angels. Each bearing us up and strengthening us in the way they best know how; prayers, loving thoughts, help with our Will, meals, phone calls, emails, comforting words, cleaning the house, financial donations, fundraisers, helping with the other kids and preparing all things for our family. We have felt sheltered and comforted by each of you whose eyes touch this story. We are grateful to you for your support in small ways and big ways. We will forever be thankful to have you as a part of our lives and as key players in this big miracle. We love each of you and pray the Lord’s choicest blessings to be with you.

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Love,

The Holden Family

Chris, Vicky, Sam, Will, Mary Kate, Hunter and Matt

...........................Lumpy......................

Hello, My name is “Lumpy”

And I am an ornery little guy,

I’m known to cause worry, dread and fear

And can even make you cry.

………………………………..

But allow me to introduce myself

Because I’ve not very long to stay,

I know you’re very anxious

To just have me go away.

………………………………….

There’s a few things you may not know about me

That might kind of change your mind.

So when I’m gone,

I might just carry on,

And something different you will find.

………………………………..

The day I came into your life

Was significant to say the least.

You may have viewed me as a stranger,

A monster or a beast.

………………………………..

But my purpose is far-reaching,

Like any challenge can be

And if viewed a little differently,

You might not hate… but appreciate me.

………………………………..

I will change your life and you’ll never be the same,

In ways that are quite serious, and not a little game.

………………………………..

Because of me you’ll see new needs

And experience feelings never known.

And when I’m gone, you’ll recognize

So many ways you’ve grown.

………………………………….

I cannot give back the time I’ll rob of you,

But I can promise this

I am something meant to strengthen you

But that you will never miss.

………………………………..

Because of me you’ll meet people

That you never knew

That will become kind friends,

Always cherished and dear to you.

………………………………..

You’ll learn new procedures, tools and phrases

That you never have before,

New topics and technologies

That will never be a bore.

………………………………..

You’ll see life in a whole new way

And find joy in each new day.

And if you will allow,

I can also make you see,

The wonder of God’s creations

Every stone, and bird and tree.

………………………………..

I’ll also leave responsibilities

And gifts that you can share

They’ll hang on, when I am gone

And you in turn will care.

………………………………..

From the day I came to be,

I planned to bring a gift

That’s meant NOT to tear down or devastate,

But really meant to lift.

………………………………..

Compassion, Faith and Acknowledgement

Are some things to name a few.

Courage, Trust and new Strength

Are some of the gifts I’ll leave with you.

………………………………..

Compassion for others who’s suffering you will know,

So you can comfort, and help them too, to grow.

………………………………….

Faith in God, in friends, in fasting, prayer and family,

And don’t forget Faith’s companions, who are Hope & Charity.

………………………………..

Acknowledgement of God’s hand in every little thing.

This is one of the greatest gifts that I will bring.

………………………………..

Courage for right here and now; but for the future too.

To face other challenges that will later come to you.

……………………………………

Trust in God, and in our Savior

Who know all – your potential and your past

But see the bigger view and know the things that truly last.

………………………………..

Strength in parts of you that may have been really weak before

Will remain with you from here, a gift forever more.

………………………………….

You’ll recognize the miracles that are performed each day

And that friends and those that love you will never go away.

……………………………………

You’ll see that you are loved, by more than just a few

That there are so many people who truly care for you.

………………………………..

I hope that you’ll begin to catch a glimpse of these new things to see

It’s not bad luck, or a mistake, but for you it’s meant to be.

………………………………….

Your Heavenly Father knows you – and loves you, His own Son.

Through the trials in life, he teaches, until the day it’s done.

Your older brother, Jesus – of you, He is aware.

For like Him, we are each given the crosses we must bare.

………………………………….

Be strong, Be Brave, dear William and know that you are loved

By all of your brothers & Sisters here – and all of those above!

………………………………….

Time will go by and I’ll disappear, I will really go away

And you’ll go on, a great life to live, so much to do and say.

Think of me then fondly, I am not really such a bad guy.

I’ve tried to give you some hints of some of the reasons why.

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A bigger, better William is waiting still ahead,

But for me, little Lumpy, please don’t think of me with dread.

I will have done my deed, and I will be gone. I may leave you a little sore

But in a whole new way you’ll carry on, you’ll live triumphant ever more!

………………………………….

-Kay Lea Carpenter